I hate this. I hate the lack of words, the frustrations, the want to be able to write something well only to be left with a jumble of inconsistent non-profundities that could have been written by my little brother. I am a spastic mind with no method to maintaining the median between monotony and madness, and I hate it.
Nonetheless, I must write. Far too much of my day has been spent dwelling on one topic: marriage.
Why? Why would I be thinking about this? I am a twenty year old student with a lifetime worth of aspirations that cannot be completed if I get married. I want to finish my college education. I want to get my masters of education through ACE or TAC, working in underprivileged schools to truly educate students who struggle, making a difference not only academically but in other ways as well. Part of me wants to join the Peace Corps, experience another culture, and teach students who teach me another paradigm of the world. This same part of me wants to do missionary work, not because I feel qualified or as if I have anything to offer, but because I want to learn to just be with another, to see them for who they are and allow everything to be ok, even if it isn't. I want to travel and see places, visiting relatives in Italy who I keep contact with yet have never met. I want to enjoy the diversity of life across the globe while furthering my education, a task that would be difficult if I had a family.
In addition to this, part of me dreads the concept of married life. It seems unfair that young couples so in love necessarily must meet the fate of falling into everyday routine. It seems that all relationships eventually simmer down to daily life with no excitement or surprises. I enjoy getting to know him. I don't want to know him well enough that there's little left to know, and, alongside this, I dread knowing him well enough to see those sides of him I never wanted to know. I don't want to see him someday so caught up in the routine of work and home life that he forgets his purpose, yet we both struggle with purposelessness now. I don't want to see his already occasionally strong anger deliberately directed at someone who really hurt him or us. I dread the thought of doing infinite piles of dishes, changing diapers, and dealing with those inevitable daily disasters alone while he is gone to work, too far away for a hug. I dread knowing his work is stressing him out, yet I am too caught up at home to give him a hug. I don't want to reach the day where I have my problems and he has his, yet we lack the time to fully discuss both. I don't want this to become our problem. Marriage seems like such a fleeting star in the night sky, a glorious meteor shower with a myriad of stars, only to sink into a greyish haze after the honeymoon is covered by clouds.
Yet, I miss him so now. Despite by fear of monotony, someday, at the end of the day, I just want to come home, fall into his arms, and know I am accepted and loved by at least one person in this dismal, dark, dreary world. I want to have those petty arguments that bring tears to my often-too-dry eyes, tears both from being hurt from the argument and from knowing he's worth arguing with. I want to laugh with him as we struggle to figure out the best way to arrange the furniture in the living room without putting the t.v. in front of the window or blocking the entrance to the dining room. I want to feel so drained every morning from a night up with the baby that I am forced to take up his habit of drinking tea, sitting down every morning to enjoy a cup with him. I want to sit in a corner and sulk after he angrily informs me that I'm too self-focused, falling short as both a wife and mother. I want to become frustrated when he fails to fix the faucet, despite my persistent pleadings. I want him by my side while we struggle to educate our kids to truly have a passion for learning. I want to be exasperated alongside him at the Legos left out on the floor. I want to see his eyes mist up when our daughter shows of her dress for her first dance. I want to have his shoulder to cry into after the police call at midnight to inform us our son has been in a car accident. I want to share the joy when we revive the news that our child is engaged. I want...
I want every second of every day to be spent in knowledge of our commitment to each other, yet this is the thing I also almost dread. This is what I am afraid of.
I'm only twenty and still in school. Why have I spent a significant part of today thinking about this?
1 comment:
Molly, I'm glad that you understand that marriage is more than just lovey dovey stuff - it involves commitment, sacrifice, and deep love among other things. :-) Too many people nowadays are rushing into relationships and marriage without fully understanding the vocation of marriage. I can totally relate to this post you've written! I, too, have worried about not being able to travel the world and do other things because of caring for a family, and I also worry about the responsibilities of being a mother and seeing another side to my husband that makes him not as perfect as I once thought. I feel called to the married life, but still don't know if this is what God wants for me. For now I'm enjoying my life as a single person and improving myself so if a boy does come along I will be ready for him. :-) The thought of marriage thrills me but also scares me. XD I definitely know how you feel. I will pray for you that God will guide you to make the right decision about your vocation. :-) He will makes things awesome for you. <3
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